Some Funny Quotes

 

I like to wake up each morning felling a new man. -
Author: Jean Harlow

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by
Author: Douglas Adams

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Author: Walt Disney

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up
Author: Barbara Bush

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Author: Groucho Marx

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
Author: Rudyard Kipling

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -
Author: Marie Corelli

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Author: Emo Philips

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet
Author: Henry Youngman

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Author: Jack Handey

If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Author: John Wayne

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
Author: Jack Handey

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
Author: Dick Cavett

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Author: Emo Philips

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
Author: Yakov Smirnoff

In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.
Author: Mark Twain